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Wine For Retards:

There comes a point in every man’s life when he begins to drink wine and watch the English Premier League (at least, I think so, but maybe I’m just turning gay). Much like watching the first hairs below your belly button come in, this change is unexpected, and it happens before you know it. 

Sadly for the masses, wine culture is defined by old people with money, snobby douchebags that pretend to have money, and Aunts all around the world that talk a little too much about missing their ex-husbands. A lot of the people who drink wine want the culture around it to seem unapproachable; that way, the paupers they have so much disdain for stick to whatever mead accompanies Buffalo Wild Wings the best. But wine is delicious and deserves to be enjoyed by all, so today, I’ll be explaining wine….for retards. 

Let’s start off with the fundamental question: what are the different kinds of wines? While there will be 31.4 billion bottles of wine purchased around the world this year, almost all of them stem from the five basic different types of wine: 

Red, White, Rosé, Sparkling, and Dessert wines. 

We will get into the specifics of these later; for now, we need to answer another very basic question: what are the different kinds of flavors in wine? Experts try their best to make wine seem as challenging to understand as Chinese, but there are five different kinds of flavor variables you’ll be looking to identify when drinking wine. 

Body, Acidity, Tannin, Fruitiness, and Alcohol Level.

Body:

Simply stated, wine body is the richness and weight a wine has on your mouth. Imagine if your tongue was like a scale: light-body wine would feel thin in your mouth, whereas heavy-body wine would feel nonbinary in your mouth. Light body wine is refreshing, it’s easy to drink, and it will pair excellently with soft cheeses. Generally, heavy-bodied wines even out hearty, meaty dishes, while light-bodied wines pair well with lighter meals or snacks.  

Acidity:

Acidity is in the initial impression you get from the first sip of a wine. If every bottle of wine you buy for the rest of your life is a Hinge date, acidity is her awkwardly making her way over for a side hug at the beginning. To get a feel for what acidity is, it’s like comparing water to lemon water. A glass of water isn’t acidic (unless you’re in Flint, Michigan), while lemon water surprises your taste buds with a tart, acidic taste. Super acidic wines make your mouth water in the same way lemon water does. 

Tannin:

Tannins are compounds found in red wines that make your mouth feel like you just brushed your teeth or something. While white wine is made mainly from the juice that’s pressed as soon as the grapes get to the winery, red wine is made from the entire grape. As red wine ferments, skins, juice, and sometimes stems are all mashed together. During that process, both color and tannin are leached into the wine. Because different wines have different grapes (we’ll get to that in a minute), the tannin levels in red wines are different. The other cool thing about tannin is that it helps red wines survive a long time. Think about your friend’s rich Dad, whose now fucking a hot stepmom with the most perfect fake breasts any doctor has ever implanted in the surrounding zip code for a minute. That guy has a wine cellar, and in it are many wines high in tannin; tannic wines can get older, and many of them get pricey. Less tannin makes a glass of wine more easily drinkable, while more tannin makes you smoosh the glass around a little longer, which can be great for a first date, but if your girlfriend is anything like mine, she’s not going to love wine that’s filled with tannin. 

Fruit:

I warned you that wine people are assholes, and here’s one of the many reasons why. Fruity wines are often attributed as being sweet wines, but you can’t really say that because all wine has fruit in it. The reality is that fruity wines refer to the floral and fruit flavors detected within the wine. Wine people will shoot you in the face if they hear you describe wines with sweet flavors as fruity, so they expect you to tell them which fruit it tastes like. 

If you have a wine that tastes like a red fruit such as raspberry, strawberry, cranberry, or cherry, you’re expected to say this has notes of enter x fruit. The same goes for black fruits (like blackberries), tree fruits (like apples), citrus fruits (like lemons), and tropical fruits (like mangos). 

Alcohol Level:

This one is self-explanatory. 

Now that we know that, we can go through the most common types of wine that are probably in your price range, starting with Reds.

Red Wines

Pinot Noir: 

Pinot Noir is my favorite kind of wine, and I also find it to be the greatest compromise wine, especially if you’re a guy who likes reds seeing a girl who prefers white wine. It’s pretty highly acidic (especially for red wine), it’s got a modestly high ABV, and it’s typically low in tannins. If you’re looking for a bottle to split while watching a movie with a girl, Pinot Noir is going to be a good bet. 

It’s like the Chris Paul of wines; it’s not going to blow anyone’s pants off, but it has its moments, and regardless of whether or not it’s going to put a ring on anyone’s finger, I’d still put it in the Hall of Fame. It’s going to make you happy, then it’s going to make you want to reproduce, and then it will make you sleepy. As far as what food to pair it with, almost anything with pork, lamb, or turkey (might be something you want to pick up for Thanksgiving). Some of my favorite brands are as follows:

Au Bon Cilmat ($20-$25)

La Crema ($15-$20)

Angels Ink ($15-$20)

Cabernet Sauvignon:

When you hear the word cab, the person is referring to Cabernet Sauvignon. If you’re a guy, a cab is going to be your ideal first date wine because it’s high in alcohol and you’re nervous because she’s out of your league, or judging by the fact that her hinge profile had some interesting content in it, you’re not really sure whether or not she’s going to hate you because of....well, everything about you. Cabs are heavy body, they have high tannins, and they pair very well with grilled meats- this is the wine for steak and potatoes. If your friend’s parents are taking you out to dinner and they’re incessant on you getting the steak, you’re going to tell the waiter that you want the house cab. Ordering a restaurant’s house cab is ordering their default option for cabernet, which isn’t going to be the cheapest wine on the menu, but it’s going to be far from the most expensive- It’s the respectable thing to do. 

Cabernet Sauvignon is like the Davante Adams of wines. It’s great if you have the money for the cab and the nice piece of meat to pair it with, but on its own, it’s not going to shine as bright, no matter how great it is. That being said, if you’re going to buy steak and want an affordable cab to pair it with, the following will play:

Barrel Heist Bourbon Barrel Aged Cabernet Sauvignon ($10 at Trader Joe’s, if that)

Conundrum ($15-$20)

Decoy Cabernet Sauvignon ($20-$25)

Merlot and Malbec: 

These two wines are very similar; their differences are color and body (much like Blac Chyna’s children). Merlot is ruby red with a medium body; Malbec is dark purple with a heavy body. Merlot will pair nicely with chicken; Malbec is what you want next to a cheeseburger (it’s actually known for this). They both have the capability to get you drunk quicker than white wine and when you see someone who hasn’t had a job in over twenty years complaining about the economy with stained purple teeth, it’s the Malbec. 

These are the Morris twins of wine. They pair well with grilled vegetables; they do what you ask of them, but sometimes they try doing a little too much. Here are some good, cheap options:

Decoy Merlot ($20-$25)

Catena Malbec ($15-$20)

White Wines

Sauvignon Blanc:

White wine is generally more acidic than red, and girls typically love it because, for some reason, girls love things that abuse their stomachs and tongues- if someone could somehow create a liquified version of bang snaps, my girlfriend would have two glasses after a hard day at work. Sauvignon Blanc is typically what you’re going to want to pair with Thai food, sushi, shellfish, or tacos from a place with metal holders run by a white person. Any salad that a guy would like (the ones with peppers or something citrusy) are going to be best friends with Sauvignon Blanc. 

Sauvignon Blanc is like the Taylor Swift of wine; every adult who drinks has consumed it over the past year whether they’ve wanted to or not, but the die-hard fans swear by it. If you want to make your girlfriend really happy and you know that she’s into Sauvignon Blanc, I promise you this will be a worthwhile investment. To put this in perspective in case you aren’t getting it by now, if a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc happened to be dating your friend, it would often bring up how dangerous the world is because of regular, everyday citizens and then go back to listening to a podcast about a woman getting shoved in a barrel after being abducted during a vacation in Aruba. Some affordable options are as follows:

Vinho Verde Wine ($10 if that; you can find this at Trader Joe’s)

Oyster Bay ($10-$15)

Domaine Hippolyte Reverdy Sancerre ($25+)

Cloudy Bay ($25+)

Pinot Grigio:

Pinot Grigio is very light and refreshing. Before hard seltzers took the market, you could honestly say that this was girl beer (let’s be real, not many women wanted Mike’s Hards’ calories over a long period of time). Sauvignon Blanc tends to have higher acidity than Pinot Grigio, lending to a crisper, more tart flavor, but Pinot Grigio is a little more inviting. People who say ice in a wine glass is a white trash move have never gone through a bottle and a half of Pinot Grigio with their lady and watched shitty television. This is going to play with super light dishes, and it’s also going to be a lot of fun to day drink. 

I’d say that Pinot Grigio is the Meryl Streep of wine; I would say Ariana Grande, but too many people don’t like her. Pinot Grigio is acidic but not overbearing; it’s got a light body, and it’s incredibly versatile. It’s going to be perfect with pastas without too much meat, but it can play its role next to almost any dish. My recommendations are as follows:

Santa Margherita ($20-$25)- has Drake’s approval

Erath ($15-$20)

Tiefenbrunner ($15-$20)

Riesling:

Riesling is insanely acidic and is meant to be paired with things that make your mouth burn. This is because the spice from the food actually compliments the acidity of the riesling. It would be like getting told in 2008 that your Dad lost his job, and then two days later, he’s in jail for a DUI. Suddenly, the whole job is not that big of a deal. My recommendation?

No idea, I’ve never had it. But if you’re going to get it, get it German-made.

Chardonnay: 

Chardonnay is a wine for powerful or rich (sometimes both) women. It’s the wine I picture Amy Schumer sipping as she’s typing into her notes app, it’s the beverage Hillary Clinton was probably drinking when she told Bill she’d talk to him again if he bombed Serbia, and it’s probably what MLB wives swirl around while editing their day in the lives. It’s a higher-alcohol white wine, and it’s got a medium body. It will pair well with any seafood you can imagine a rich woman who still calls black people colored people would like, and it pairs with Fox News just as well.

It is the Shiv Roy of wine. If you’re spending Christmas at Grandma’s, here is your best bet:

Macon Villages ($15-$20)

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