The Politics of Chicken:

White liberals are good for a lot of things. When I walk into a cocktail bar, I don’t want to see a guy named Rick, who has two gold cards on hand at any given time and runs a men’s softball league- I want to see a she/they with noticeably yellow teeth, a BMI of thirty-four, and maybe a gage or two. When I see their face, the first riff of Smells Like Teen Spirit should be echoing in my head. A pub is a little different, but when you’re at a cocktail bar, if you aren’t staring in the face of someone with crippling student loan debt and a dog that can’t fly commercial, you’re not getting a good cocktail. The hands behind a well-balanced twelve-dollar drink should know more about the life and legacy of Che Guevara than Dan Carlin himself. Another place where white libs excel is behind the counter at a coffee spot that charges you task rabbit pricing for a latte. If you want to jumpstart your day with something delicious, look for a pride flag and get ready to burn your hand off. The list could go on and on. When we’re talking about working-class Americans, conservatives do the best work with their hands, and liberals do the best work with their feet. One area where liberals fall short is chicken.

My girlfriend and I go to brunch a lot. My better Sundays start off with cheap prosecco and orange juice meeting zyn residue in my lower lip, which ignites a series of farts so repugnant that RFK Jr. could probably sue me for them. Many of my fellow brunchgoers know this, but on almost every single brunch menu, you’ll find chicken and waffles. From Venice Beach to Vermont, it doesn’t matter that you couldn’t be further from the soul food capitals of the United States; chicken and waffles will be on the brunch menu- and it’s always bad. Now, the food isn’t supposed to be the most important part of the brunch experience. To be honest, brunch is supposed to be about catching a buzz while eating the potatoes, most of an egg, and sixty percent of whatever else is on your plate, but I’ve had enough antifa chicken and waffles to make the call that white liberals don’t know how to make chicken.

The best chicken in America is made by people who were hesitant to get a certain jab a few years ago- both the Patriots and another group who is reasonably skeptical of the United States government for obvious reasons. The greatest chicken dishes you’ll have in this great country are juicy or look like Nancy Reagan could’ve prepared them. Through my experience living in the South, I can one hundred percent guarantee you that if you go to almost any hole-in-the-wall place and you see a blue-lives-matter flag or a poster of Aretha Franklin that’s amassed a thick layer of dust, you’re about to have the best chicken of your life. Because while those people might be politically divided, they are experts of the bird.

In the spirit of chicken, here are my fast-food chicken Do’s and Don’ts.

Popeyes:

When I found out that Popeyes was founded by a white man named Al Copeland, I realized I can now take back every apologetic essay I wrote to get a good grade in college.

Just a joke.

If we’re talking bone-in chicken, Popeyes is the best in the game. Their chicken sandwich took over the world half a decade ago, and while I’m not completely convinced that your average Popeyes is up to sanitary standards (we’ve all seen a video here and there of some lady getting fucked in the back of a Popeyes), the deliciousness-to-possibly-finding-an-acrylic-nail-in-my-food ratio passes the test.

I will give Popeyes a Do, but I also have bad news. I already told you that a white guy founded Popeyes, and now I’m telling you that their owned by Restaurant Brands International (RBI), whose corporate leadership team is almost all white. Even worse, the person that they assigned to be the CEO of Popeyes is a white guy, and their company scores in the bottom twenty percent for diversity.

The actress who plays Annie is actually not from Louisiana at all — Deidrie Henry was born in Barbados, raised in Atlanta, and currently lives in Los Angeles. She’s been in movies and television that include those of The Handmaid’s Tale, MacGyver, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. She’s a well-versed theater actress. Everything you think you know about Popeyes is a lie.

Chick-fil-A:

Chick-fil-A is the kind of company I’m talking about when I say conservative-leaning chicken is fantastic. I’m talking about the kind of chicken nuggets that got excited to tell their girlfriend that Netflix picked up Shane Gillis’ special. Chick-fil-A isn’t the most juicy, but it’s warm, it has those perfectly cooked white strands, and we all know that it’s the industry leader in sauce. No other company on this list has sauce that’s so good you can buy it at the grocery store.

I don’t give a fuck that Chick-fil-a has been tweeting about Larry Sinclair for the past month; it has the best spicy chicken sandwich and nuggets on this list. Do.

Church’s:

When you think of famous Texans, one name that comes to mind is George W…..Church- the founder of Church’s Chicken. By the way, the Bush family is about as Texan as an SMU kid who went to the same middle school as the D’Amelios. But that’s beside the point.

Church’s Chicken is insanely mediocre, and I would expect that trend to continue now that it’s owned and operated by a private equity firm. Back when I could smoke without having panic attacks, I used to Doordash Church’s Chicken, and it would somehow make my cotton mouth worse, even though I would get a giant Diet Coke to wash it down. Buying bulk chicken from Costco or getting something from the Trader Joe’s frozen section is a much better bet than paying for chicken that tastes the same as a saltine cracker. Don’t.

Wingstop:

Today, Wingstop is one of the fastest-growing fast-casual chains around the world. The chain has over 1,700 global locations, and it’s managed by thousands of employees and owners. Just to start a franchise, you need a minimum net worth of $1.2 million and $600,000 of that money must be liquid capital. You’ll also be required to open up at least three stores, while certain markets require more.

This information is important to know because Wingstop is the most hit-or-miss restaurant in America. I’ve been to Wingstops in Texas, where the owner clearly cared about the product his employees were putting on a plate, but there are others where the food is rotten. The beauty of Wingstop is that the location four miles away from you could have the worst food imaginable, while another one fifteen miles away has the best wings in radius. I’m going to say do because the pros outweigh the cons here. One risky meal could lead to the spot where you spend eighteen Sundays of regular-season football a year. Also, Rick Ross owns twenty-five locations.

Bojangles:

Bojangles should receive financial kickbacks from Eli Lilly because I can’t imagine how many insulin consumers Bojangles brings to big pharma every year by feeding people poison.

I went to walk my dog, and I came back to start typing this, and out of curiosity, I wanted to see if the people who own Bojangles would be friendly with some higher-ups at Eli Lilly, the biggest insulin manufacturer in the country. As it turns out, Bojangles is now owned by the Jordan Company, a private equity firm out of New York. The chairman of the Jordan company is a man named Jay Jordan, who serves on the board of trustees of Notre Dame. And I shit you not, Lilly Endowment Inc., the philanthropic arm of the Lily Family, has just so happened to have given millions and millions of dollars to Notre Dame in recent years. That could be a coincidence because both Jay Jordan and the Lily family have connections to Indiana, but it’s still funny.

While I have nothing but lovely things to say about their biscuit, walking into a Bojangles should be living proof to everyone who wants a tattoo on the back of their leg that they shouldn’t go through with it. That being said, it might be poison, but it’s half-decent poison. Do.

Zaxby’s:

No.

KFC:

Welcome to America, where the restaurant chain most stereotypically associated with black people is plastered with the face of a guy who looks like he owns some. Before I get into reviewing the chicken, a few quick notes on Colonel Sanders.

Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken as a road stop during the Great Depression. After he found the value in franchising his business, it expanded fast and everywhere. The company’s rapid expansion across the United States and overseas became overwhelming for Sanders. In 1964, then seventy-three years old, he sold the company to a group of investors for $2 million ($18.9 million today). Even though he had sold the business, he retained control of its operations in Canada, and he became a salaried brand ambassador for Kentucky Fried Chicken. In his later years, he became highly critical of the food served by KFC restaurants, believing they had cut costs and allowed quality to deteriorate.

He was right, don’t.