Happy Monday You Retards

After speaking with my editor, we’ve decided to scrap the following excerpt from my book. I spent four days straight on it, so I figured it would be best if it lived here.

Also, maybe this could serve as a way you can encourage some friends to listen or read my book when it comes out? I don’t want to be annoying, but I will need help getting the word out considering I haven’t had time to post on TikTok anymore.

Once this book situation is sorted, I think I’ll go back to using this email all the time. I’ll probably try to write something everyday and send it through here. About what? I don’t know.

Groceries:

Saving money in your twenties is difficult, especially if you want to enjoy them. Sure, you could put most of your income away by never seeing the inside of a bar, rarely using electricity, eating lentils for half your meals, illegally streaming all of your college basketball games, and traveling only when absolutely necessary, but at that point, you're living the life of an immigrant who escaped a poverty-stricken country for America during the Nixon administration. The differences between you and a frugal Bangladeshi man who immigrated here in 1972 are few and far between. He already had a wife and kids when he came to this country, and the subsequent sacrifices he and his wife made resulted from their love for their children. You’re just a guy whose Dad has sent him too many Dave Ramsey YouTube shorts. 

The reality of modern-day dating in America is that you won't meet anyone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with as a shut-in who watches a Xavier basketball stream that crashes every thirty seconds. To nurture relationships worthy of sacrifice, you have to actually do things and meet people, which is why the grindset guy on TikTok giving you incoherent advice about how to save money and how to hustle (while promoting his worthless $200 course, mind you) is a fucking loser. By no means is saving your money a bad thing, but in order to create long-standing relationships in your personal and professional life, you're going to have to get off the internet and spend some cash. 

The people who really crush their twenties are those who find the best balance between taking on and maintaining personal responsibilities while also having a great time. While it's true that you only live once, you can't act like you're a child and get yourself in credit card debt flying to music festivals to candyflip every other month. In the same vein, you can't expect to be a happy person by not engaging with the world around you in the name of saving money. Do spontaneous things and get drunk on a Tuesday night now and again, but try to hold yourself accountable and find a balance. It's hard, and you'll never be perfect (none of us are). Of all the sacrifices a person can make to save money and be pseudo-responsible in their twenties, two are strikingly easier than the rest: learning how to cook and shop for groceries. 

In New York City, a mid-quality meal that you could have made better yourself will cost you anywhere from $25-$35. If you Doordash it, we're talking upwards of $50. I understand getting something delivered after a particularly rough day once in a blue moon or occasionally getting some tacos with friends after work, but nobody should be eating out for over 40% of their meals (and even that's a generous number). There are plenty of reasons to go to a nice restaurant or get a sandwich from that place everyone has been talking about, but you shouldn’t be doing this as frequently as you take a poop. Even if you're tired from work and the weather is shitty, and you REALLY don't feel like cooking, many grocery stores offer so many pre-made meals that, while unhealthy, are delicious. This brings me to the first grocery store chain we'll talk about today: Trader Joe's. 

Trader Joe's:

How could I write a book without mentioning Trader Joe's? Aside from being the reason some of you are reading this, TJ's has been there for me when nobody else has, and I'm sure many of you can relate to that. Through every quick lunch between meetings, four seasons of Succession, and all the times I fell asleep drunk with my hand buried in a bag of Elote Chip Dippers, I don't know if I would have survived the first two years on my own without Joe Coulombe’s lululemon-infused, yuppie bazaar. As you can see from the following map, Joe knows his target market is people paying way too much money to live in way too small of an apartment in a way too gentrified urban area. 

Though Trader Joe's has far fewer items than Costco or Sam's Club offers, it's an excellent place to learn how to shop for groceries. The store is set up for young people who don't know what the fuck they're doing, and while a typical grocery store offers 30,000 items, Trader Joe's has fewer than 2,000. They have a decent selection of meats, all the vegetables you'd need to maintain a somewhat-healthy diet, ready-to-go dishes for buying your potluck designation last minute, pre-made salads packed with protein, and all kinds of other shit packed with love and sodium. While I wouldn't shop at Trader Joe's for things like dog food, shampoo, toilet paper, toothpaste, cups, as far as food goes, TJ’s has you covered.

There's no better place to start learning about wine (a topic I will thoroughly explore later in this book) than Trader Joe's. Much like the food, the wine selection was made with twenty-somethings in mind. It won't rival that of a big liquor store, but if you're reading this, the only spending money you had last weekend was lost on a parlay. So I don't want to hear any complaints from you derelicts. If you want to have a very rudimentary understanding of what wine you like and how different types of wine taste different, you can do it affordably at Trader Joe's. Oh and before I forget….need to get flowers for your girlfriend? Joe's got them for $12.

The crown jewel of Trader Joe's is their frozen section. The secret to the frozen aisle success is their supply chain. They don't have a factory where they make their own products. Instead, they source items from companies specializing in generic products, selecting only the best items they produce. Then, after a dedicated process of flying all around the world and taste testing which generic manufacturers make the best version of a particular item, they slap on the Trader Joe's label and stick it on the shelves – like their Roasted Garlic and Pesto Pizza, which is actually made in Italy. When I first started living on my own, I exclusively shopped at the Trader Joe's in Hoboken, and even though I don't find myself at the chain as much anymore, I would consider myself the Jason Peters of the store. Being the wily, old vet I am, here are my critically acclaimed dos and don'ts for the Trader Joe's frozen section:

Kung Pao Chicken (Don’t):

It's okay, but after I eat this, I'm pretty convinced my girlfriend wants to Nuremberg Trial me for what comes out of my ass. 

BBQ Teriyaki Chicken (Don’t):

Don't buy this unless you like chewing on erasers and putting some sort of Asian sauce on them. 

Mandarin Orange Chicken (Do): 

This chicken is the Alix Earle of the aisle. Early adulthood is confusing and overwhelming, but the Mandarin Orange Chicken from Trader Joe's is a consistent staple and always delivers. We are so lucky to live in a country where we can eat Americanized Chinese cuisine and not have to pay $35 in the process (hey, England). Don't talk to me about the sugar or the calories – I don't give a fuck. I don't care that this product isn't authentic or that it wasn't made by someone with an Asian diaspora, I want it in my mouth after a bad day…. pause. For almost a decade, Trader Joe's consumers rated this chicken as the number one item. Until….

Butter Chicken with Basmati Rice (Do):

This butter chicken is the biggest Indian W since Nav in 2017. Trader Joe's has GREAT Indian food. This butter chicken is light, it costs $4, and it's a great work-from-home lunch.

Chicken Gyoza Potstickers (Do):

These potstickers keep hungry Wall Street analysts and many more young white-collar workers alive. Without them, the American business world wouldn't function. Every male in their early twenties survives (at least in part) because of these potstickers.

Chicken Fried Rice (Do): 

All the rice at Trader Joe's is excellent. You can't go wrong, whether it's the chicken fried rice or the Japanese fried rice (my favorite). 

Spring Rolls (Do):

For what they lack in sex appeal, they are a good enough snack to get you from close to the end of the workday to dinner. 

Cuban Style Citrus Garlic Bowl (Do): 

I think this is the most underrated item in the frozen section. It's delicious, cheap, and so easy to make. Just like watching the career of Mark Andrews, I can't wrap my head around the fact that the masses are still overlooking this product. It's zesty, it's sexy, and it's a nice light lunch or heavy snack.

Carne Asada Burritos (Don't):

Eating this is like making love to me: it's cold in the spots that it shouldn't be cold, it's too hot in others, it's stale, and there are better options in the store. 

Cheese and Green Chile Tamales (Do):

Buy this, but know it's not a full dinner. If you eat this product, you have to eat another dinner, which kind of sucks. Nothing makes you feel like more of a fat-ass than eating two dinners.

Chipotle Vegetable Quesadillas (Don't):

I keep having faith in this product and buying it, expecting things to be different, but much like an abusive spouse, the result never changes. Beyond tasting like shit, this quesadilla makes me so gassy I'm pretty sure I've farted out corn kernels after eating it. 

New York Deli Style Cheesecake (Do):

It's a good cheesecake, but let's not eat it alone, especially in one sitting. Ozempic is in, and pretending being fat is a healthy lifestyle is out. Let's keep it to one slice a night, folks. 

Gone Berry Crazy (Don't):

Strawberries have to be cooled, not frozen –there’s a big difference. Taking one of these feels like getting yelled at by a big, black guy who used to be a D-3 offensive lineman and is now working for the TSA at five in the morning: a jarring experience that makes you wish you could fast-forward. No human teeth are ready for this product. If you're going to eat chocolate-covered strawberries, get them local or at a grocery store in the wealthiest town around you. 

Editor’s update: Okay, I tried these recently after letting them warm up out of the freezer for five minutes. They’re good. I’m sorry.

Mochi (Do):

This is the best dessert on this list when done right, but Trader Joe's mochi is also a gamble. For those of you who have never had mochi, it tastes like a delicious, ice-cream-filled breast implant, and it's slowly becoming one of the most popular desserts in America. What you’ll want to do with Trader Joe's mochi is put it in the freezer and  take it out for six minutes before eating it. No more, no less. Six minutes. You cannot keep this in your freezer for over two days, or it develops Hepatitis B. Two days, six minutes.

Gone Bananas (Do):

These are incredible. Liking bananas and chocolate together says a lot about a specific kind of person who has most likely done some naughty things in Fort Lauderdale. This is what gone Berry Crazy wants to be, but it executes, much like the thot versions of Livvy Dune. Berry Crazy just falls short. You have time to eat these, so there's no rush, and if you want a little something sweet in the middle of the day, pop a handful.

Lemon Bars (Do):

Lemon Bars are a dessert that makes me think of someone with a bad home life staying with their friend whose parents actually loved them in high school. If you like lemon bars, you have a winner here with a caveat: you must eat these frozen. Microwaving Trader Joe's lemon bars is a sin or haram or transphobic, or whatever bad means in whatever fucking religious thing you have going on. 

Brownie Crisp Coffee Ice Cream Sandwiches (Do):

This is the best dessert at Trader Joe's, and it's time that it gets its recognition. I've put you guys on many things throughout the years, but I can't speak highly enough about this ice cream sandwich. Taking my first bite of this reminds me of my theatrical sister’s first time watching Hamilton or my alt-right brother's first time on Opensecrets.com – I can't recommend it enough.

Mini Hold The Cone (Do):

These fuel white women all over the world. If this treat could talk, it would probably use the parlance of its gay best friend, who originally stole it from a black woman. This dessert is like Taylor Swift: yes, many of its fans are mentally ill psychopaths, but a majority are great people who love it for a reason – because it's the best. 

Mac and Cheese Bites (Do):

Buy them, but I must warn you: these cheese bites will disappoint. This product always tasted better in my head. Kind of like The Wire, it's a decent snack and all, but it's not as great as the fans make it out to be (this is true, and you fucking know it). 

Chicken Wings (Don't):

Dipping one of these wings in ranch and taking a bite out of it reminds me of swallowing my own mucus. The only way to get these crispy enough to make them edible is in a toaster oven, and if you don't have one, forget about it.

Sweet Potato Fries (Do):

You can't go wrong with Trader Joe's fries, but if you like sweet potato, these fries will be your favorite. 

Honey Walnut Shrimp (Do):

Some of you guys will hate me for this (and I get it), but I will say “do” because I really like this product. The Honey Walnut Shrimp is no superstar, but it's consistently pretty good, sort of like Pacers’ Danny Granger.

Salmon Burgers (Do):

You want to talk about an underrated product? If you cook this item carefully, it's your best shot at eating fish for lunch, and you feel kind of healthy. 

Burrata, Prosciutto, and Arugula Flatbread (Do):

This product is the only pizza you should get from Trader Joe's. If you like another pizza from Trader Joe's, you don't deserve rights, and you're also probably a drug addict.

Turkey Burgers (Don't):

This is dog food. If you were to air-fry this, put it in a bun, add some lettuce and tomato, and give it to a homeless guy, he would look at you and say, “hey man, what the fuck?” I wasn't kidding about this being dog food, though. My dog loves it when I give her half a turkey burger on her birthday. 

Whole Foods:

Many of you are probably familiar with the political horseshoe theory, but if you need to become more familiar, here's a little graphic to explain:. 

The idea is that the political spectrum isn't a line; it's more of a horseshoe shape. The extreme ends of the left and right are more similar to each other than the moderate left and moderate right. Some people say that this theory was illustrated best by American discourse at the height of the Russia/Ukraine conflict because both the far left and far right identified the war as ostensibly fabricated by America’s military industrial complex, but I'm afraid I have to disagree. I think Whole Foods captures the political horseshoe theory better than any Twitter thread, Thanksgiving discussion, or Twitch stream I've ever witnessed. Much like Austin, the city it was founded in, walking into the store is an insane experience defined by political variance. It's the only place I know where an Asian American lady still wearing a mask and a guy who closely follows the career of Richard Spencer can interact civilly. Her shopping cart has granola, vegan penne, and kombucha because she prioritizes being sustainable. His basket has grass-fed sausage, some condiments, and animal welfare-certified chicken because he believes GMOs are the reason why his neighbor's son chopped his dick off and now identifies as a girl. While their opinions on Freddie Gray's death may differ, they both hate Nikki Haley and caged livestock, and for that reason, they shop at a subsidiary of Amazon. Shopping at Whole Foods isn't for everyone – I would go as far as saying that it isn't for most people. Even after being purchased by the world's fifth biggest company, Whole Foods is still the most expensive national grocery chain… by a lot.

Unless you have a dietary restriction or can afford to drop a Daytona stripper's weekend salary on a trip to the grocery store, there's no reason you should be shopping at Whole Foods for all your meals. Before I continue, we have one quick ad read: This section of the book is sponsored by Perdue Chicken. Perdue Farms is the original premier provider of quality chicken, pork, lamb, and other great meats. Buy the best meat online at a disc-

But seriously: there are plenty of other grocery stores where you can buy poultry or pork whose meat didn't originate from a life similar to that of the passengers on triangular slave trade trips…. and isn't injected with antibiotics. Rich people who want to ensure that they aren't eating poison shop at Whole Foods because it became the very first national grocery store to become “certified organic” in 2003. That means that its stores adhere to strict USDA standards to remain certified, including complying with labeling standards, using the proper sanitation and cleaning methods, and verifying organic food sources. Whole Foods made its bones by being the place where well-off people could shop for healthy organic food without assuming the risk of false advertising or corporate greed, which is great for them. Still, for the average person, Whole Foods should be a place you go once every other month.

For anyone making under $120,000 a year, buying your grass-fed beef, free-range chicken eggs, and other unprocessed foods makes more sense somewhere other than Whole Foods, and while Publix or ALDI can't guarantee that their products are unaltered with as much certainty as Whole Foods, the risk is worth it because you won't have to spend an exorbitant amount of money shopping at those stores. If you want to try Whole Foods, I recommend taking a trip there with some specialty items in mind – things that you can't get at other grocery stores, like caviar, chickpea-based snacks, and beyond-meat burgers. That way you can scan the aisles to identify what you want to pick up from Whole Foods and what you want to get from your regular grocery store on your weekly shopping trip. Some other notes on Whole Foods: most of its food is made by regional suppliers (that's awesome), you can pre-order what you want on Amazon and pick it up effortlessly in the store, and the hot-food-bar section is more disappointing than me in bed after fourteen Yuenglings.

The Wholesalers:

The behemoth-sized grocers are the kinds of places where people buy their goods if they live in the middle of nowhere or they're making the trip for another purpose. If I go to Target to buy a set of cups and new bed sheets, I'll probably buy some Campbell's soup and a big box of pasta because, well, why not? It's not like I'm there often. 

Years ago, Walmarts started flooding Appalachia in droves, causing all mom-and-pop stores to close. With no competition in sight, Walmart raised its prices. That way, local communities in America's most forgotten region would stay dependent on big business, often using government assistance or checks resulting from weeks of grueling labor to shop for essential goods. After the local businesses dried up and the kids turned to opiates, some Walmarts began to leave as the communities were in disarray and the profit margins became slim. 

Now, most of you reading this book don't live in Appalachia. Most of you, like me, are from one of the coasts or a metropolitan city buzzing with life. Because of this reality, very few of you drive thirty-five minutes to buy your produce at the nearest Target, but we still have to hit on these, nonetheless.

Costco:

There aren’t many stores in this country where wealthy people will shop next to members of America's thinning middle-class, and Costco is one of them. Assuming you didn't just migrate here from somewhere in Asia (because you'd probably be in Canada right now if you did, let's be honest), you know the deal with Costco. You need a card to shop there; they have an insane catalog of bulk items, they still sell hot dogs for $1.50 a piece, etc. There are three reasons why Costco is, far and away, the best big grocer: bulk discounts, Kirkland, and high-quality meat and fish. 

If you find yourself in something like the fifth or sixth biggest city in your state (a place that's walkable downtown but not anywhere else), a Costco membership is 100% the right call. Sure, you will need an extra set of hands to unpack your car, and yes, the store is overwhelming. With that being said, if you have a car and access to one of this Nation's 600 Costco locations, get a membership. 

Sam’s Club:

If Costco is Justin Herbert, Sam's Club is Derek Carr. Serviceable? Yes. Does it have that wow factor? No. Sam's Club is a subsidiary of Walmart, meaning you're much more likely to get shot up by a guy with a Tyler Durden leg tattoo at Sam's Club than at the likes of Costco. It also means that compared to Costco, the store is dirtier, the food isn't as fresh or healthy, and their employees are significantly more unhappy. Imagine Costco if free-sample cups were loitering next to the sacks of nectarines and the employees were generally unmotivated because they aren't paid well: that's Sam's Club.

Target:

Target is where girlfriends go to spend money on things they don't need, and tens of thousands of moms buy back-to-school supplies every September. While I would never buy anything that needs to be refrigerated from Target (because I'm not a big fan of listeria), it does the job for grains and frozen items.

Walmart:

Walmart is America, America is Walmart, and as embarrassing as that is, there's no denying it. In every video of a fat guy in an Izod polo calling a sixteen-year-old mother of two the n-word, every picture of a Pitbull biting someone's leg on aisle four, and every credit card transaction that leads to a school shooting, you can’t tell the story of America without Sam Walton’s contribution to it. Should you buy poultry from a store with vagrants sleeping in the parking lot? Probably not. While Walmart might be a great place to buy cheap mittens or a laundry basket, I don't recommend buying any food from there that isn't boxed or canned.

 The Regional Grocery Chains:

Unless you live in a very highly populated area like New York or Chicago, your area's regional grocery store is probably where you'll buy most of your food. These stores are so crucial to how we live that they even affect rent pricing. A 2019 study found that multifamily units near new grocery stores received rents 5.1% higher than their sub-market average (at the time of grocery store openings). For Safeway alone, this number was 8.2%. I believe the large regional grocers fit into two tiers: good-to-great and okay-at-best.

Publix, ALDI, Lidl, H-E-B, Wegmans, Safeway, and Hy-Vee are America's best regional grocery stores. I can say from experience that with this echelon of stores, you really don't know how good you have it until it's gone. 

Publix:

Publix, while expensive, has a special place in my heart. When I lived in Texas as a college student, the closest thing I got to decent seafood was crawfish (barring frozen fish or shrimp). As much as I love people from the state of Louisiana and their special-needs little-brother charm, crawfish pales in comparison to any fish or crustacean caught by an alcoholic commercial fisherman off the coast of Rhode Island. I knew that there was a risk factor when trying to find good fish in Texas, especially with no money, and I paid the price. My first time trying fish from a Kroger in Fort Worth led to me shitting my pants, an awkward position to be in when you’re sharing laundry machines with other people and you only own one pair of nice sweatpants. That didn’t stop me. I love seafood so much that I would go to Kroger once a week and buy their sushi, and it made me sick almost every time. When I moved to Tennessee last Summer, I figured I was once again kissing seafood goodbye. I was wrong.

With 1,399 locations in eight different states, Publix has seafood that is so reliable I'd argue that I trust their seafood section over most Nashville restaurants. Because Publix is headquartered in Florida, they really do take pride in making sure they have the freshest possible fish: whether it's caught in Florida or flown in from around the globe, they closely monitor the temperature of each fish every step of the way. As for the rest of the store, it's pretty great. They carry well-respected brands (including their own), have a friendly staff, the “Pub Sub” is a fantastic sandwich, and they have a vast alcohol selection. While their meat selection isn't all too diverse, they have everything you need. 

ALDI and LIDL:

The Richard Gere shoved a gerbil up his ass of the supermarket industry is the false widespread belief that ALDI and Lidl were founded by two brothers who split because they hated each other. That isn't true. Both German grocery store empires were founded by different families. Instead, it's actually Aldi's massive global empire that was split into two, with half owned by one brother and half by another because of an argument over whether or not to sell cigarettes. In 1961, rather than compromising, Karl and Theo Albrecht split the brand and its 300 stores into two branches, with Theo ruling in the South and Karl overseeing the North. The stores are split up like this:

In 1979, Aldi Nord expanded its empire by acquiring Joe Coulombe's popular California-based grocery store, Trader Joe's. 

Enough of the Snapple facts. While ALDI and Lidl are bitter rivals, I put them in the same category because they provide the same service: they are both affordable, German grocery stores that torture gay Polish people in the back. Only kidding, but I can’t say for certain that it’s never happened. ALDI has built its American reputation on the middle class, and while various legislative policies from liberal mayors during COVID made some ALDIs grounds for looting, the store is overall dependable. An ALDI in a halfway decent zip code will have a great frozen section and a good selection of meat and poultry for debatably the best value of any store on this list. While it's not regional, I had to speak highly of ALDI because if you have one by you, you should know it's a great store. You should also know that it's one of the number one signs of a great real estate investment. As of 2019, properties near an ALDI have an average gross flipping return on investment of a whopping 62%, with an average 5-year home price appreciation of 42%.

Lidl? As of now, Lidl hugs the East Coast, and while it's definitely less consistent than ALDI in America, it felt wrong to put it in the same class as Kroger. Besides looking deceivingly like a children's toy store from the outside, Lidl is known for having a great bakery – ask a British person: it's the only thing they talk about other than urban planning and our school shootings. 

H-E-B:

H-E-B is a grocery store that you can only find in Texas (and Mexico, but most of you fuckers aren't shopping for groceries while getting drunk on Piña Coladas). Ask a Texan about H-E-B, and they'll tell you it's so great that the Hondurans on the migrant buses try jumping out the windows while passing them on the way to New York. I don't know how H-E-B is – and I don't really care, considering the fact I'm not a tech guy from California LARPing around the Austin suburbs in a cowboy hat – but I did feel to put it in this tier because my friends from Texas would have shot me in the face if I didn't. I also wanted to put H-E-B in this book. Why? H-E-B has made some of the most innovative marketing moves I've ever heard of in my entire life.

So, H-E-B starts off with the same all-American story as most other grocery stores:

A hard-working woman named Florence E. Butt started the business, and her son, Howard E. Butt, took it over once he was old enough. He fell on his face a few times, and eventually the store became massively successful and expanded as a chain. After a long run being the man in charge, Howard got too old to run the business and retired, leaving his empire to his children. 

Charles, the youngest son of Howard E. Butt, became president of H-E-B in 1971, and boy, oh boy, did he have some creative ideas. When the 1990's rolled around, Charles noticed that white women were migrating from his ordinary grocery store to health-conscious grocery stores like Whole Foods. Being the shrewd Wharton grad he is, Charles decided that H-E-B would create a spinoff brand dedicated to the shopping habits of young white women in urban areas (the '90s version of girls who would have posted a black square). He called the store Central Market and opened the first location in…. where else but Austin, Texas! Central Market is known for its café and exclusive organic products called “Central Market Organics”. The store even hosts food-based events and cooking classes for a hefty fee.  

While none of those things are exclusive to white women (I love organic food), if we played a word-association game and I asked you to imagine someone who loves  Austin, organic, café, and cooking classes, would you picture someone who looks like Lamar Jackson? What about Mike McCarthy? No, no you wouldn't. You would picture someone who looks like Anne Hathaway or Emma Chamberlain. In spite of only having ten locations, the shops are all in major metropolitan areas, contributing their fair share to H-E-B's $34 billion empire. But H-E-B wasn’t finished curating shopping environments for a specific type of clientele. 

In 2006, H-E-B opened Mi Tienda, a Latin-themed grocery store that's name literally translates to “my store”. Mi Tienda is chock-full of Mexican cuisine. It has a tortilla bakery, Mexican candy, and all the hot food you'd find at a really good Mexican food truck in New York City. The concept behind the store makes sense when you consider the fact that there are more Hispanic people living in Texas than there are non-Hispanic White people living in Texas, but it makes even more sense when you consider that some Latinos in Texas are getting significantly wealthier. Sure, plenty of new immigrants (legal and illegal) living in Texas struggle financially, but Latinos who have lived in Texas for a while are beginning to grow generational wealth. Latinos have a median net worth of $75,600 in Texas, compared to just $52,700 in California, so a grocery store dedicated to the growing middle-class Latino population is genius. Throw in some white Phoebe-Bridgers-adjacent Texans who want to feel special, and you have a cash cow. It's no surprise that Mi Tienda kills it in terms of both revenue and customer satisfaction. 

In 2010, H-E-B opened up Joe V’s Smart Shop, a more price-conscious grocery store that is like Costco but with a bit of a different demographic. Joe V's is known for big discount deals and products that have a little bit more… questionable…. supply chains behind them. Harris County (Houston’s county) is home to almost all Joe V's locations. 22% of Latino and 20% of Black Harris County residents live in "high-poverty" neighborhoods (i.e., poverty rate of 30 percent or higher). Here is a map of where Joe V's are located around Houston: 

Here is a map of where violent crimes take place around Houston. 

How did H-E-B become a top-ten private company in America? By curating different stores for different races and economic classes. 

Wegmans:

Wegmans is the perfect grocery store. We’re talking about a place with Whole Foods value for a Trader Joe's price. Wegmans is on such a different level compared to the others that they even do sushi well – sushi…. at a FUCKING GROCERY STORE. Wegman's has prepared foods that are better than most of your mom's cooking, desserts that outshine local bakeries, and a brand new location in New York City. People say it's expensive, but it's only marginally pricier than the average stores in the tier below. The only problem? It's mostly suburban, and there aren't many locations.

Safeway and Hy-Vee:

I didn't know where I wanted to put these guys. They don't hold a candle to Publix or ALDI, but they don't deserve to be spoken about in the same breath as Kroger. Safeway holds most of its locations in old-school, Pac-12 states, and much like the old Pac-12, it's above average consistently, but we never talk about it like it's the best (because it's not). I've only been to Safeway a time or two to buy alcohol out West, and the first thing you'll notice about the store is that it's really expensive. The nonprofit Consumers' Checkbook did a study on grocery store prices for families, and found the following results.

Safeway is like that girl who's pretty but thinks she's way hotter than she really is and makes Tweet-length-text, nine-second-long TikTok videos talking about “mediocre white men”. The reason Safeway is so expensive is because of its real estate. The locations, especially on the West Coast, are positioned in very convenient areas where people travel through on their way home from working in major metropolitan cities. Safeway also has a great wine selection, which makes sense, considering how many locations live in California and Oregon.

Hy-Vee is neck and neck with Safeway in terms of quality. It just lacks the “they/them” mayhem you get when living on the West Coast, and that's because Hy-Vee is the pride of the Midwest. In true Midwestern fashion, the grocer is employee-owned through the Hy-Vee Stock Fund, made up of contributions by the more than 45,000 employees who participate in the company's 401(k) plan. Happy employees, above average produce, good customer service, and quality meats….that’s a recipe for success. Also, everyone knows that unless you try to take their keys away from them when they're drunk, the Midwest has the nicest people in the country. 

The Rest:

Kroger, Giant, Food Lion, ShopRite, Stop and Shop, Piggly Wiggly, Albertsons, Meijer, ect.

I'm doing the tier-two grocery stores altogether because, honestly, the products and services you get from these depend so much on where you're doing your shopping. I grew up around a great ShopRite in an affluent area of New Jersey, and while my experience as a customer wasn't anything to write home about, it was an above-average grocery store. When I moved to Jersey City, I was really excited to have a ShopRite within walking distance, only to find spoiled food, fruit flies, and more crying bi-racial babies than a Spirit Airlines flight to DC. When I lived in Texas, I loved the Kroger by campus for three reasons: the food quality was good (with exception of the fish), the store was relatively clean, and they never once questioned my Fake ID because they were running a program in which they had neurodivergent people run the self-checkout. I now live down the road from a Kroger in Nashville that people refer to as the “Murder Kroger.” 

While all of these grocery stores operate in different territories around the US, they are all affordable, so it's smart to have one in your rotation for things like toilet paper and toothpaste. The food might suck at some Stop and Shops, but why overpay to wipe your ass? With 2,308 locations, of course, Albertsons is going to have some storefronts that look like Obama just carpet bombed them…. that's just the way she goes.