The Book Has Been Completed

Here’s an excerpt

Remote Work:

As a serial morning farter, the normalcy of remote work is a blessing. At the job that moved me down to Nashville, I worked in the office for about two months and I almost never got anything accomplished. There’s something about trying to disguise a grumbling stomach in the morning, or catching yourself tapping your foot that leads to an inefficient and insecure work environment. Now, it’s not all good. There are plenty of people who take advantage of remote work (many of whom are contracted by the government), and move their mouse a few times a day so they can get their kid’s dental insurance covered. For the most part, though, I think it’s a positive influence. 

Older people loved going to the office because many of the educated white collar ones ate two Tom Collins and a secretary’s pussy for lunch. Skipping out on screaming kids while writing off business dinners and talking about the Mets with your subordinates doesn’t sound too bad to me, but you know what does? Working forty hours a week under fluorescent light and the supervision of a guy who tells you about his mountain biking trips every Monday. If I had to deal with that shit, I’d probably do exactly what Tyler did in Fight Club. Remote work has given me and millions of others a chance to work comfortably. I do, however, keep a certain set of ground rules for myself.

I never work in pajamas. I’m not like the weird kid from your middle-school who was half raised by his Grandfather and wore a sports jacket to school everyday. I'll still wear shorts and a tee-shirt while taking informal meetings, but there is something I find disgusting about working in pajamas as a healthy adult. The ethos of the pajama wearer during the day is one of a person whose life lacks both direction and meaning. I’ve never seen someone wearing checkered flannel pajamas and thought to myself, I bet he’s got a lot going on right now.

I don’t allow myself to consume nicotine until noon. While I assume that I’ll quit nicotine at some point in the next four years, it does stimulate the brain, and it’s also very expensive. Most of this book was written with the flavors of Spearmint Zyn slowly trickling from my upper gums to the rest of my mouth. Nicotine has helped me write more than everything except reading the work of brilliant authors. I limit myself to Zyning twice from 9 AM to 5 PM. This practice gives me something to look forward to, while also keeping my spending costs down. When you realize you’ve spent $72 for an occasional buzz and a lot of diarrhea, it’s depressing, and that’s why I limit my intake. 

Poops are free reign. I don’t allow myself to scroll social media while I work, but when I poop, it’s time to have a little fun. I look forward to pooping almost every single day, and consequently, I think my body has reacted to this. I’ve known so many women who couldn’t poop even if they wanted to, but I live in a poopy surplus. Sometimes I wish there was a poop bank like there is for blood and sperm, because if there was, I’d be JD motherfucking Rockefeller. 

News coverage encouraged. My procrastination time while normal work hours is spent eating up Russian propaganda at ZeroHedge, taking in the biggest headlines from Axios, getting enraged by The Intercept’s Middle East coverage, finding bar conversation on The Athletic, watching America decline at The Wall Street Journal, seeing a stock I like covered by The Barrons, reading about the pedophilic elite on Unlimited Hangout, and scanning a slew of newsletters for trends and cocktail conversation. If you’re going to procrastinate, do it the right way, and better yourself. The internet was supposed to be an apparatus that made the human race smarter, not one that made us a class of species that watches an AI generated voice read a viral Reddit post from two years ago with Subway Surfers playing at the bottom of the screen. Consume a healthy balance of news sources and keep an open mind. You probably know from reading much of my other work, that I generally lean right, but I agree with the left on many many many many issues. When it comes to policies that affect me, the people I love, and the billions struggling around the world, I’m pretty close to fifty/fifty. 

No breakfast. This is a personal choice, if you want to eat breakfast, eat some fucking breakfast. 

Getting outside for thirty minutes before sundown. This is especially important once standard time comes back in effect and it’s dark by the time you leave work. Walking around and touching grass isn’t just a good snarky internet reply, it’s quite literally what will keep you sane. It was what we were designed to do. I’ve had periods of my life where most of the light I consumed on a daily basis was artificial. I do not recollect on those times fondly. 

Laugh. Laugh all the time. Have a comedy podcast in your ears while washing your dishes, send that meme to your friend you haven’t talked to in a while, and be engaged when the coworker you like tells you about their crazy interaction with a homeless man in Key West last weekend. Want to know why the comedy industry is thriving so much? People want to kill themselves. The only thing keeping some of them alive are the thoughts and words articulated by people who didn’t receive enough attention as children.

Drink coffee, a lot of it. Energy drinks are for ADD riddled fourteen year olds overhearing their parents get divorced because Dad got into too much debt attempting to start a cigarette boat rental business. Coffee is a lot like blowjobs. It’s always good, the thought of it is the only reason I don’t put a bullet in my brain every morning, and it’s one of the only vices on Earth you will never feel disgrace for doing every single day. If I see a guy getting drunk every day? Problem. If I see a guy sniffing his keys every day? Problem. If I see a guy gambling every day? Problem. If I see a guy getting a blowjob while drinking a cup of coffee? Role model.

THE BOOK IS IN THE HANDS OF AN EDITOR RIGHT NOW. WILL BE PUBLISHED EARLY THIS SUMMER!!!!!!!